Apply to this Generic College Today!

By Grace Deng

Dear Prospective College Student,

Thank you for your purported interest in a school you’ve never heard of!

This is an ominous warning that time is running out, and you really should only be thinking about colleges from now on because high school seniors aren’t stressed quite enough already. To lighten the mood here’s something snappy to seem quirky and different, along with a picture of students of every shade to show we’re a diverse community! If that doesn’t interest you, here’s a couple of “humble brag” statistics: we’re number one in something you probably aren’t interested in, we have millions of majors, and we award thousands of scholarships a year —none of which you qualify for!

We’re sending this email to tell you that you, like every college senior we could find on Collegeboard with an SAT score over 1200, are invited to attend the next event where we advertise ourselves. We’re looking forward to meeting you, then pretending to remember you when you email us the next day! At this event, you will spend two hours listening to the same thing you’ve heard at every other school.

If you’re an international student, the event probably takes place halfway across the world. We don’t expect you to fly in, however—join our Webinar sessions, which take place while you’re in class because we work on Eastern Time!
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Don’t forget to follow us on social media, where you can see students in staged photos pretending to have fun! And don’t forget to check out our website, where half the links won’t work!